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Young Writers Society



Pursuing the Princess

by Warrior Princess


When Rune opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was his younger sister, Vesper. She was bending over him, her brown eyes wide. Glancing around blearily, he noticed his best friends Brand and Tarot; Quimby, the blacksmith; his wife, Morna; and Dr. Janus, the old alchemist who doubled as the palace physician clustered around his bed. He was back in his room.

"Oh, Rune!" Vesper cried, awkwardly slippinging her arms around his neck. "We were so worried! Are you okay?"

He put a hand to his head. Then everything came flooding back. Those men in black masks--they had cornered Princess Solara, right before he was knocked unconscious. He sat bolt upright.

"Where is she?"

They glanced at each other. Then Tarot said, "They took her. We--we don't know where."

Without a word, Rune stood up and staggered to his closet. His head ached terribly, but he could think of nothing but Solara. He flung open the door and threw on his black cloak.

"Oh, Rune, what are you doing?" Morna exclaimed.

"I'm going after her." He strapped his bow and quiver to his back and put on the worn leather belt that had belonged to his father. "How long has it been since they left?"

Brand looked down at the floor. "Just a few hours, but--"

"Look here, boy," Quimby interrupted. "You can't do this. Those men have already killed the guards at the gate. They would hack you to pieces as soon as look at you."

Rune buckled on his sword and sheath, then looked the huge man straight in the face. "What would you do if they had taken Morna?"

Morna gasped in horror at the mere idea.

Quimby avoided his eyes. "It's no job for a boy like you."

"I'm sixteen," Rune countered. "I'm a man now. And so help me, I will rescue Solara if I have to fight my way past a whole army of those men."

"Sir, as your physician," Dr. Janus said in his creaky voice, "I must remind you that you have just sustained a considerable blow to the head and are in no condition to--"

Rune brushed past him and stalked toward the door. He stopped when someone laid a restraining hand on his shoulder. Why couldn't these people just leave him alone? He turned around. It was Tarot, and Brand was standing beside him.

"Where do you think you're going?" Tarot asked, his black eyes twinkling. "You think you can just run off on some crazy escapade without us?"

"The Brotherhood of Wannabe Knights has to stick together," Brand said.

Rune could not help smiling. "What would I do without you guys?"

Brand grinned. "I'm not sure, but it wouldn't be pretty. Now if you'll give us just ten minutes to pack some food and saddle the horses, we brave knights can be off to rescue the princess." He grabbed Tarot's arm, and they ran out the door.

Vesper grabbed Rune's arm. "I'm coming too."

Rune laid his hands on her shoulders. She was getting so tall. "No, Vesper. You have to stay here and take care of the king. There's no telling what this news might do to him."

"I'm tired of hanging around here like an old woman!" she protested, stamping her foot. "I'm fourteen. I can take care of myself. And I can fight, too."

He looked helplessly at the others. "Please, Vesper. I couldn't bear to lose you too. Stay here, and I promise: when I come back, I'll give you all the fencing lessons you could ever want."

She stuck out a rose-pink lower lip. "You swear?"

"On my honor as a--a--a page." He hated the sound of the word. Someday, he vowed to himself. Someday I'll be a knight like my father.

She sighed. "Okay. But next time you run off, I'm going too."

He smiled and hugged her tightly. "It's a deal." He waved to the others, then went downstairs. Brand and Tarot had the horses saddled.

"Well, this is a little unexpected," Tarot said, leaping onto his young mare. "But I guess I could use a little excitement."

"Oh, when Sir Rune the Valiant's around, things are always exciting," Brand teased.

Rune rolled his eyes, but secretly he thought, Sir Rune the Valiant. Has a nice ring to it.

And then they were off.


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Thu Feb 19, 2009 2:16 pm
vet4life13 wrote a review...



Hey!

Love the story. I think the overall lplot is good, classic rescue the princess, but if you continue the story, I'd advise you to try to be really original because of all the princess stories already out there. BUt it seems as if you're of to a good start.

You did a really good job giving the friends character. I agree with the others on needing more detail, but I do the same thing on my stories, and usually I have to go back through and redo. :) Well keep writing, and I can't wait to read more!

Vet




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Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:24 am
Merricat wrote a review...



Nice start! I'd love more information about the world and the characters to anchor myself, though -- you throw a lot of names and a lot of plot at me without giving me much time to get used to it. Why does Rune feel responsible for rescuing Solara? Is he her guard, or was he just there when she was kidnapped? If he's her guard, why are they allowing an unknighted 16 year old to guard the princess? If he isn't, what were the princess's real guards doing when she was kidnapped, and why aren't they handling the pursuit now? (Similar question with Vesper -- why is a 14 year old girl responsible for taking care of the king? Doesn't he have older & more experienced servants & courtiers?)




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Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:46 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey WP, have we met before? If we haven't, hello, you can call me Stella or Stel or whatever you like and I will be your critiquer today...

I. NITPICKS

Glancing around blearily,


Glancing implies a look-look away motion. Maybe just say looking. Or, ifyou want something more sophisticated, surveying the room or something.

"I'm going after her." He strapped his bow and quiver to his back and put on the worn leather belt that had belonged to his father.


Because you totally put weapons in your closet? Jeez, there's such a thing as an armoury, Rune!

"I'm sixteen," Rune countered. "I'm a man now.


Pur-lease. I know sixteen year old boys, I love sixteen year old boys, I spend a good percentage of my time thinking about sixteen year old boys. And that's exactly what they are, boys. Sure, they're a little but older and wiser, but they're still boys, and they'd readily admit to it. I say, lose the man bit.

Right...

II. OH NO YOU'RE NOT... OH. OH, OKAY.

There is at first, the usual resistance that characters put up in stories, but then it just disappears. Is nobody going to push him back down in bed. Block his exit? Say "Oy, you do realise the whole left side of your head is completely congealed in blood?" Especially the doctor. A blow to the head? Concussion, brain damage even? But oh no, he's going to play the hero, and we're going to let him!

Lose the cliché of it all. Have someone point out to him "Seriously, mate, if you go out right now you're going to die." It'll make it better than suddenly rushing off to save his damsel in distress!

III. OVERALL

Not bad, not bad at all. A solid beginning.

Hope I helped!

-Stella x




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Mon Feb 16, 2009 6:37 am
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



When Rune opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was his younger sister, Vesper. She was bending over him, her brown eyes wide. Glancing around blearily, he noticed his best friends Brand and Tarot; Quimby, the blacksmith; his wife, Morna; and Dr. Janus, the old alchemist who doubled as the palace physician clustered around his bed. He was back in his room.


I think that you should be a little more vague. Your descriptions are precise, which is ordinarily good. However, the character is coming back into consciousness. There will be a period of time during which he will be confused and his senses will be dulled.

Because of his injury, he will feel woozy. If he shot straight up, he would probably become nauseous. The headache would also make thinking difficult. He would be in no condition to go anywhere, nor should he.




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Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:35 am
Dreamworx95 wrote a review...



Hey, this is pretty nice. I enjoyed reading it a lot. Rune seems like the typical, pompous hero-knight, one of my favorite archetypes.

BUT, I think this story starts off in the middle. I think you should start off with a scene with Rune and the princess to grab the reader's attention, this also would be a good way to begin the story.

Also, detail. Needs a lot. I see the characters floating in space. Typically, when there's action, you need to describe the surroundings so that we have a good idea of what and where it's going on.

By the way, I like Rune's friends a lot. Hope to read more from them because they're really entertaining.

Ciao babe, Dream.




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Mon Feb 16, 2009 3:28 am
MeadowLark wrote a review...



Ooh! A new story! How exciting. Let's see if I can find some things to nit pick...

"Oh, Rune!" Vesper cried, throwing her arms around his neck. "We were so worried! Are you okay?"


I don't know if it's possible for her to through her arms around his neck if he's lying down. Perhaps if you said Vesper did her best to hug him or something.

Without a word, Rune stood up and stalked to his closet. He flung open the door and threw on his black cloak.


Wouldn't Rune be feeling a little dizzy? He was hit on the head. Maybe if he staggered a little as he headed to the closet?

"Where do you think you're going?" Tarot asked, his black eyes twinkling. "You think you can just run off on some crazy escapade without us?"

"The Brotherhood of Wannabe Knights has to stick together," Brand said.


Haha! These two are great! The Brotherhood of Wannabe Kinghts! Excellent!

Well, other than those two nit-picks, I thought this was great. I can't wait to read more and see how their quest goes. I hope it has many misadventures. Those types of quests are the best. Happy Writing and PM if you decide to post more.

Meadow





That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead